Crucifiction by chains

Velcome to Sickness

2007-11-04T01:06:43Z

back with something a little sicker for anyone who reads my work.

as for myself im doing alright day by day but im not getting better any time soon. met someone at the night out but the more i get to know about her from friends i wonder. i dont really want a controller in my life again. then again i'll just drive her mad like i did the ones before.

anyway.. sex booze and work. tis all i need to survive. goddess willing i'll have more than 1 soon.

BJR

***THE FOLLOWING IS FICTIONAL****

She looks so sweet lying there, her long curly blonde hair wrapped around her shoulders like an amber cloak. Peeling away her sweet smelling clothes had made him bone hard, he walked around her as she lay on her back, arms stretched out to the sky, he leaned close and sniffed her hair, the thick scent of hairspray seemed to disgust him slightly but I doubt it will affect his performance. He walks around her one more time before he begins licking her toes. I can hear her giggling but he doesn’t stop. He continues to lick her toes and then her feet and slowly licks further up her smooth legs. I help her open her legs for him. My how lucky she is thinks I. He’s really lapping away at her now. His rough tongues deep amongst her short black hair. I turn my video camera on and watch through the crystal display.

I lean in and pour more syrup between her legs and he hungrily laps it up. Already I can feel myself growing turned on watching this fine display. i take the rope out of bag move to tie her hands together, her body is so soft I wish I was him. I take her right arm and tie a few basic knots around her wrist. Her skin is so cold in the moonlight but so soft to the touch. I wish she was mine but tonight she is his and his alone. I am only here to help and film. I take hold of her other arm and begin tying her left wrist to her right. Her head falls back in desire, sending her curls cascading down her sweet back. I run my hand through her hair. Such a fine girl. I realise now that he is standing next to me, I look at him sheepishly and apologise. He says nothing. I wish he would talk when we were filming but I think he has fears of his voice on camera.

I lift her up and turn her over, her long blonde hair barely covers the sweet curves of her hips and I find myself self holding her with her face dangerously close to my crotch. Again I feel his gaze and I jerk with shock. I beg with him that I am sorry and he still just glares angrily at me. Why does he treat me like this? I do everything for him!?

We find a small stone and the girl kneels over it. Her legs open awaiting his entrance.
He walks around her a few times before he comes up behind her. Once more his tongue enters her. I make sure to zoom in with the camera at this point. I know how much he loves this part. She drips from his saliva as he mounts her and begins fucking her. I record from all angles I can, behind him, infront of her, side on, underneath. Its all on my camera.

He doesn’t take long to finish and he climbs off of her. I untie her while he lies down to recover. I drag her back to the hole and dump her back in. I throw her clothes on top of her and shut the lid of her coffin. It takes me 5 minutes to recover the grave and gather my things together. He looks at me and I can tell hes happy. We begin walking down the hill together, hes always so full of life after sex, I just wish he would accept me more often. Suddenly I feel a light shining on me.
“what are you doing in a graveyard at this time of night Miss?”
I look down at him and then back at the cop
“nothing officer, just walking my dog.”

still a few bugs but im trying alot harder

2007-11-01T23:01:13Z

must be something with me and halloween. i always meet someone... not heard from her since but its early days yet. got a second kitten on tuesday night and shes BEAUTIFUL.

Anyway. i wrote this over 2 nights. was going to post it up last night but internet was a bit dodgy. i know there are bits i could make better but it was never going to be perfect.

once i get good ideas (and can drink again. got docs appointment at 9am tomorow and need to have been booze free for 24 hrs) i'll be writing again,

Until then, try to enjoy this one:

BJR.

**THE FOLLOWING IS FICTIONAL**

He hated this city. He’d watched those freaks run around in there hallows eve or whatever they called it festival clothes for the last few days. He never understood how a festival that had originated as a dress to scare away evil spirits became a festival obsessed with eating large amounts of candy and then, recently, kids demanding cash to buy there own version of “candy” in the form of pills and powders. Kasper shook his head in disgust as he continued to watch the streets from his hotel room. The party had indeed “just begun” and he had a job to do. He sat the suitcase on the table and unclipped the latches. The case opened with a very slight creak. Kasper thought for a moment. He would need to remedy this if his prize possession was to remain undamaged in future travel. His hands slid into the case and opened the inner layer of the case, revealing the glinting of metal and a pristine skull.

The Sniper sat in his room. His target had just arrived from Mexico. The payment was to be transferred into his account within the next 2 hours. This man would be dead before dawn tomorrow. He inspected and oiled his rifle and slid his silencer into place. He loaded a five-round cartridge into the weapon, although he preferred the ease and accuracy of his bolt-action rifle he had been informed by his employer that target was extremely jittery and if for any reason he missed with his first shot he wouldn’t be able to reload and fire before the target bolted. His distain at the employer for even suggesting, with his previous experience, that he’d miss a target from 200ft away had caused the cost to the employer to rise by several thousand more to hire him but he didn’t care anymore. He was on a job and he had been paid to kill. He checked his sights and then closed his eyes, awaiting news of the target from his crows nest.

Three hours had past since dawn now and Kasper was getting restless. He looked across the room at the painting of Virgin Mary, and the cross she stood next to. His tired mind returned to his task. He wondered how much longer it would be until his phone rang and he could leave this dank hotel room. Today was of the highest importance and come Hell or High-water he wanted this over with. He contemplated the ease of the back door escape but who would be watching the front door? And if he were to walk past these pathetic guards with his suitcase then would they notice him? Would they detain him? Arrest him? No. this day was of too high importance to be taken into custody. He must finish what he came here to do. His phone buzzed angrily and he offered a silent prayer. Unfortunately it was not the response he wanted. “Another few hours?!?” he growled angrily. The voice on the other end of the phone told him there was nothing they could do. Kasper resisted the urge to curse in the presence of a likeness to the Virgin Mary. He hung up the phone and packed everything up. He was going to do what he came here for. Whether they wanted him to, or not.

After 10 minutes of contemplation, Kasper chose to take the back door. It was simpler when he thought about it. Those tubby guards out the front didn’t seem to even consider it an option. Kasper made his way through the twisting narrow side streets until he came to his destination. He put his suitcase gently down on the grass before kneeling down next to it and beginning to unpack.

“Target Sighted. Do I Take the shot?” the static on the other end of the radio told him he’d have to wait a few more seconds before he could pull the trigger and be rewarded with the beautiful red mist that all those in his trade grew to appreciate with every mission. As if it were a stamp of excellence, a personal statement of a job well done. Eventually the static cleared and the voice told him he could fire. The sniper slid down to prone, his eye re-met the scope and he carefully lined up the shot. That was the code of any good Sniper. One shot, One Kill. His gloved finger slid around the trigger and the gently squeezed.

Kasper was running now. Someone was after him. Police maybe? His suitcase had been left long behind. His precious, precious, things were still lying on the grass and some dam cop wanted to play sheriff. He hoped no-one would find his case before he could return to collect it later that day. He dodged through the endless side-streets for almost an hour before eventually finding the back of the hotel. He dove through the back door and up the stairs he sprinted along the dimly lit corridor ‘til he reached his room. The door was still open and he bolted it behind him before turning to notice that inside his bathroom stood a rather large, pretty angry looking police detective.

“Seems like we flushed out that sniper we’ve been so worried about”
Kasper said nothing; He stared at the cold metal table in the middle of the interview room. He felt disgusted that he, a hero in his country, would be treated like this.
The detective took the silence as a nod to continue
“Four victims, all shot at long range with a rifle. and now..”
He paused, smiling at Kasper
“He won’t be giving us any more hassle now. Will he?”

It was evening now. The cold night air bit at his arms as his police escort opened the car door for him. He had a bare few hours to finish the first part of his task here but time was on his side and he would be there within an hour. Kasper looked at the open suitcase lying on the front seat of the car and he offered a silent prayer.

He was walking through the streets once more now. His suitcase in hand, he stopped at a park bench and took out his disguise. A fine skull mask, made in his home town back in Mexico. It has been made with the finest care and attention to detail. He tied the mask in place and resealed the suitcase. Tonight his celebrations would not go disturbed.

The Detective sat in his office. The Captain of the tactical division that found the sniper sat across from him.
“So… he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time?”
The Detective leaned forward in his chair
“No. we knew if the Sniper was after him then he would lay in wait beside the graveyard. He knew the professor would be visiting that graveyard today. All he had to do was lie in wait for him to show himself.”
“But surely.. that assassin.. He must have known we’d been hunting him after the other four killings. He must have known we’d guard the professor?”
“Oh he knew we were guarding him. He was waiting for us to hold up our side of the deal with the professor and escort him to the graveyard where his son was buried a few months ago. It was reported in the papers that the professor had demanded to be allowed to visit today. That assassin could have waited there all day to get a clear shot.”
Although he was glad to rid his city of another killer, the detective still didn’t understand how the professor had so easily got to the graveyard.
“If you knew he was going to wait at the graveyard why didn’t you just search the surrounding area?”
“Why waste the man power when we both know the professor wasn’t going to sit there and wait for us to search every inch of every building? You know how long it would have taken? It was almost definite that he would take off on his own for the graveyard after we told him of the delays. So why get men searching rooms when we can just have our own snipers armed and ready to take out this sicko”
At this point the detective stood up shaking his head.
“I don’t believe they let you make that call…you put my vital witness into the firing line just so you could save on a few door to door searches.”
The Captain returned the Stony gaze.
“We did our job, detective, and we killed the Sniper. That’s all that matters to me..”

Professor Kasper finally reached his destination. It was Ten o’clock in the evening of November the 1st. this day, in Mexico, is also known as Día de los Muertos. The first day of the Dead, the day to celebrate the lives of departed children. His son’s remains lay six feet under the earth in this exact spot. He sat down on the grass in the company of his son’s gravestone and began to lionize days gone by.

Another Crashing Alcoholic night. Another story..

2007-10-27T23:59:43Z

yes ive been writing again. its difficult when your half drunk and theres a kitten DETERMINED to be on your lap when your trying to use the keyboard.
comments would be apprecitaed if anyone can be bothered

BJR

*THE FOLLOWING IS FICTIONAL*

“A little water cleans us of this deed”. Words spoken before her eventual madness set in and she herself leapt to her fate. I know exactly how she felt.

I remember cleaning, scrubing over and over again to get the crimson from my hands. no matter how many times I washed. No matter how hard I scrubbed I couldn’t get all of it off my hands..

When it comes down to it… We are all just bags of liquid with spongy tissue and bone framework, It is surprisingly how much blood can pour from a deep wound but I have witnessed it with my own eyes…

The glint of the light off the polished surface of the cold blade as it dove into warm flesh. The warm damp sensation on my hands as the blood pours from the newly made slit. The tightening of near muscles and the spasms that ran through the body. It was electricity in its finest. Yet even after I was done I still felt the blood on my hands. That warm sensation that never leaves you. The more I came into contact with this demon. The more the crimson was thick on my hands… the more I needed to scrub. The more I needed to clean. Yet I can still see the blood,

At first I thought it was the adrenaline of the situation that had brought about my nauseous delusions and that it was something I would grow to accept with time.
It has been a year now since I first took up the blade and felt the crimson spill onto my gloved hands. And with each passing day I feel more and more desperate to escape.

My hands tremble incessantly and I have tried to obtain psychiatric help but it is difficult to speak of the horrors I have seen and been part of.

This is my final act and I hope you understand my resignation

Steve Ramerez.
Surgeon.

Who will survive and what will be left of them....

2007-10-25T23:48:29Z

its been a long time since my last entry. im going to update more often now as im single (again) as it didnt work out. she waited til i was drunk with my mates, turned up really happy and then we we were walking home she starts being silent... then when we get back to my flat she tells me she cant cope with this anymore.

"i know you love me but i dont know if i love you"

no words sting that much. except maybe what followed

"i know you helped me through bad times with my family and my friends and my work and the whole problesm with me getting uni place and my medical problems but now all thats gone away i realised how much i took it out on you and i realised i love you to bits but i dont love you in a relationship way.."

my heart is in a thousand pieces right now and im spending alot of time on my own til i feel i can cope with the world again.

i'll update again soon,
i miss you all

BJR

on the morbid plus side i am trying to write short pieces of work to keep my soul busy. here is the first one. im not 100% happy with it but if it someone out there likes it please leave me some feedback on how to get it better,

Thanks

*THE FOLLOWING IS FICTIONAL*

It’s a fascination that grips us from the day we are born until the day we day. A intense love for watching, hearing and reliving the event over and over. It makes us feel safe at night and it makes us glad we are who we are. For we all love to witness death in its full bloom

I watched her for months, Her sweet body would walk past me and id breathe in her scent and it made me smile. Her long blonde hair was angelic and her deep blue eyes penetrated the soul of even the strongest of men. Her tiny figure with its perfect hips and gorgeous curves made me drool with reproductive lust as any true male of my species would. She was a perfect specimen, Pity her time has come.

I followed her in the weeks leading up to her Death. Shed just quit her job and was spending a lot of her time at home with her family. They treated her like she was a princess. Every wish was satisfied, every dream fulfilled. I watched her smile and it made me feel that deep warmth in my soul. her final days have came.

I knock on her door and her mother answers. she leads me in and tells me how pleased she is I came. she asks how long I have known her daughter. I give brief answers and she seems satisfied. she tells me my new love is upstairs and leaves for the kitchen. I walk up the stairs slowly. My feet feel like lead on each and every step. When I reach the top i walk through the door and find her lying there awaiting me. Her eyes are closed and she looks so at peace. My bag rattles as I drop it beside the bed and sit down. Her skin is so pale. She is beauty itself. I run my fingers along her fringe before sliding my hand down to her neck. Her time has come.

I walk down the stairs and see myself out of her house and try to return to my everyday lifestyle. I think about her body being transported from her house to the morgue. I think about the family and friends sobbing their hearts out over her cold body and I find myself laughing softly to myself. Another angel joins the afterlife.

“Are you ok? You were closer to this one than usual…?”
I smile at the nurse and tell her the day when doctors like me do not have to inform people how long they have left to live will be the day I feel better.
and with that I return to my patients.

bernard_rag @ 2007-06-15T13:07:00

2007-06-15T12:23:41Z

It has been near to an age since the last time i posted how i really feel on here...
one important thing before i start:
those People who read it then come to the pub to meet me and go "oh i read your livejournal" wow. couldnt you leave you response ON MY JOURNAL? the reason i keep it seperate is because this is where i actually vent my doubts, my troubles and my worries i dont really take kindly to those people who wish to air my scars in open context especially around others who id rather keep my real feelings from. i dont even mind talking about it over msn just not in the dam pub and not in front of people that i dont let read this. alright?

i go to the pub to drink bulleit bourbon and ALe. not want to kill myself. Although smoking would be nice...

as some of you may guess i do admit that at this moment i have been at the crux of a spiralling depression but im getting back through it slowly.

How long can you stay with someone who takes everything you give and all they give back is sarcasm?

i barely do anything of my own free accord these days without her following me around going "oh if your going there i'll go too" and if i ask for down time she gets moody and asks why. then she tells me that im the reason she doesnt see her friends. fuck off. please.

if you want to see your friends GO SEE THEM. just please stop sitting whining to me about how you dont see them. my friends are salt of the earth and dont have the "cliche" group yours do. true.. my friends are mostly at each others throats right now but there still cool iof you disappear off the radar for 2-4 months whereas your friends seem to be "oh if shes not here then lets forget about her". thats not friends in my world.

As far as my own friends go most of them have spent too much time with each other, 2 of them hate another 1. i still hate that tit furby who since download has been physicaaly branded "an idiot" by everyone that was there.
me and me best mate are cool again, she seemed pissed off at me for weeks but i know why now, she doesnt get on with me lady and me lady doesnt think much of her. they do the whole "oh..NICE ...SHOES..." thing that women do by gritting teeth and thinking nice things while there really thinking "i want to suffocate you in petrol then set you ablaze". why cant they just be out in the open about not liking each other. your not the fairer sex, we can see you dont like ach other. stop beating round the dam bush and just have a shouting contest, or some "get naked" contest. im not going to complain.

As for myself im moving into the city so i'll be drunk more often.
My sleep pattern hasnt returned since download.

im too tired to write any more so i'll end it here.
(with a "hope your coping xx" message for marcie)

until next time

BJR

Bleed the Freak

2006-10-29T21:37:32Z

Start with the first wound and progress to the complete autopsy..

my body is in alot of pain. i have had my ribs fixed but i think ive really damaged one part of my back and shoulder with rearranging all these boxes that are in the house. i hate living here but hopefully i'll get to move in a couple of months and things will get better. as for my back i can just hope the physio work im due to recieve tomorow will have beneficial effects on my health and general happiness. i feel myself coughing and coughing in the same old dying way.. today my skull was rattled and i dont know if that was from excessive alcohol (fuck all chance of that really) or if it was from the terrible music on for most of the catty or if its because ive started smoking again..

catty last night was...

Boring - alot of crap music, nothing really exciting, everyone seemed more depressed than last time
Tiring - on til 4aM
and good (for once) - met very cute girl.... no detail on her yet as the more i post details the more i get spiked by fate.

walked back to bobs about 4am after the catty feeling rather tired... talking about how great shaun of the dead was, how great spaced is,... how much i hate the timewarp and the rocky bastarding horror picture show.. got back to his flat about 5 and realised "god this couch is comfy but hurts my back"

woke up at 11 today (yes it was 11 as the clocks went back.) lay around bobs flat watching mindnumbing tv with him and the other bob. some programme about a priest who was supervising a production of.. the bastarding rocky bloody horror..

then i realised how painful the subway system in glasgow is when your hungover/disorientated.. holy fuck that hurt.

text girl, got reply. repeated for a while.

and now for ranting:

Generali-fucking-sations.

ive spent my whole fucking life proving time and time again to people that i dont follow the masses. i dont go "oh i dont like balh because everyone else thinks that" i dont walk about going "hol' i want a girl to suckle on me". hell sex life is a fucking bonus in my world i dont fucking need it.
ive spent every fucking oportunity ive ever had being different from others and being my own soul. ive never turned up for unbi in a suit and fucking hell i never will. and when someone turns round to me after THEYVE ACTUALLY MET ME and gives me the "dont fuck about with my friend or i'll rip your balls off" i only have one reaction

you dont fucking know me bitch.

if you hadnt met me before id be cool with it. hell id respect you for it because your looking after someone.

but not when you have actually spoke to me and met me on about 7 different occasions. if you fucking still keep a fucking reserved fucking judgement after youve fucking met me then get the hell of your ass and fucking think you dumb slut. im not the fucking sex driven "think-with-my-cock" guy. hell if i was i could easily bend ye o;er and fuck ye. am sure your probably after that more than anything. if i want fucking sex i'll go out and buy my furreed self a hooker. what i fucking want is someone i can talk to and enjoy the company of that i find attractive. stop fucking treating me like im worth sodall. hell im one of your "good friends" best mate. and i get that kind of fucking respect. what does that say for his judge of character?

Fuck you

fuck you and please.

Exhaustion

2006-10-17T22:19:32Z

14 days since the last time i poured out my soul, two whole weeks..

what have i spent those weeks doing?
getting on top of it all?
sleeping?
healing?

i wish for such but nothing ever comes so easy.

in the last 2 weeks i have barely slept at night. the pains through my back are reaching untold agony. i also realised that after a rather nasty kick to my head that i may have damged my optical nerves as my vision blurs at times and i cant focus on things without severe effort. guess thats me fucked.

uni keeps me sane i guess. i wouldnt get out of bed otherwise. every lecture feels as mindnumbing as the last. every word goes into one ear and i try so hard to remember it but i feel it pouring out of my other ear in a slow trickle of blood and grey matter. i have a bitch of a cold right now that hasnt lifted in about a week. i havent been able to kick back and take the time off to heal from it so i guess its my own fault its staying with me so long.

i miss the days when parites were parties. i miss the days when i used to have friends who were up for actually having fun,. not sitting around taking the same old crap about "oh i hate him "oh i hate that" "oh please stop talking about her i hate you talking about her" ... what the fuck have i become.. soon i'll be sitting in starnbucks drinking coffee wondering where the hell my life went wrong and promising a girl i'll never drink again to be a part of her life. ...

i hate that thought.

on average i live on 2-4 hours sleep a night
all i eat is sugar as its all i can afford
all i think about is uni. i dont think about sex or relaxing anymore.. hell i havent even mediated in about 2 weeks as ive just been worked off the clock to the point whwere im too tired to even remember my own name or what im actually doing. everything i try and talk my voice mumbles because my brain is too tired to get the words right...

more after i finish this uni thing...

Heartsick

2006-10-03T00:18:41Z

.. it has been a year since that call came through to me telling me that my angel was no lionger mine. that she wanted to leave me. i still miss her with every breathe i take and everything i do i still think "would hazel be proud of me" and usually my mind answer is "no. because you drink".

the demon of my drinkiing is still with me and yes it has gotten worse throughout the last year. i need someone i touch my soul in the way that i would never need this poison again. be it to hide my pain or to make me feel better.

tonight i spent most of the time drinking as a final farewell to my angel, my love. my weetheart. and a final farewell to being with somoene who i felt understood me. had that level that i dont even have in friends term any more.

and as io final farewell i must say it again. i miss you with all my heart and soul hazel. you meant the earth to me and you will never fully be replaced in my soul. you were special and im glad your doing ehat you love now. i just wish io could have helped you more than i did and i just wish i could have been the one you wanted in life but i guess i can only keep something as beautiful as you in my trap for so long.

a final farewell.
i still love you so much. please find someone who loves you back as much as i love you.. you deserve an angel.. i just wish i could have been such. xxxxxx

i still see you when i close my eyes. you have never disappeaered from my prayers. i just hope im still in yours. i miss you so so much.

i know loads of people and loads of people are nice to me but how many people actually care for my wellbeing? so many of them are only out for themselves and sop many of them do not care what happens to the poor bastard who got them throuhg depresseion or that poor bastard who spent hours talking them down from their apparent suicide.

all i really ask for is someone i can be close to who is close to me back. somsone who has that unwritten silence law between friends where they can loom ro gesture at ach other and they will pick up on it. i miss having that so fucking much. i miss being my own persopn i miss having somneone i could call up and say "bugger it lets go fuckl shit up"... all i have is yaz, who seems to love me in some way but i honestly dont feel she is close to me or as caring over me as i am for her. with her problems taking president over mine i feel some sense of dispondancy... i feel dead inside.. like i do infact care if yaz does this or that or goes for this or that but yaz in turn doesnt care wht happens to me. maybe im wrong but christ i just want some more reassurance lately... things just have made me start thinking more. i have no real close friends. only a collection of people who judge me as one of many.

tonight people thought i was just another whining soul. just another bastard who didnt experiance true loss or sufferance. and yet i have. yet io have lived a life that despite mucb wory now, that has been prosperous. i just want someone to care and not push me aside like some of the other whining little bastards... maybe i ask too much. i have deicded to try and deal with my life in my own sick way myself in the next few days. it cant be worse than opeing out..

i still feel disgusted with myself for letting these feelings of inferiror copage out to those around me. probably knowing that no-one cares and noone wants to know.

if only we could see to live the dream..
if only we could still beleive the dream..

..i Feel sick..

fuck the gaping wound...

2006-09-27T23:05:33Z

what can i say.. some things have been going great if not better...

but i still feel alone in the world. the 80s metal night was everything i needed. everyone i wanted except something to cuddle and hold close to me. my "friends" i have mentioned lately seem to get more and more confuzed by me.. alot of them hate how happy i am and alot of them hate me when im miserable. i doubt there is a middle ground and i dont know if i will ever reach it if there is. i miss the old days. i miss haviong someone there. i dont care hopw they treat me. just give me something to cuddle at night and pour my affection onto and i will feel so much better...

i feel like ive been crying tears of blood all of today. alrough im happy my eyes are burningg like an inferno and things just taste like death. ive barely eaten. i barely sleep. hell i barely eat and all i seem to drink is cider..

the road to hell is paved with good intention.

and im on that road for everything i do for people ive put myself last for so long and its beginning to show. i dont look after myself hell i barely care if im bleeding or not. i dont care what happens to me.. yet if one of my friend even looks like he or she is falling im the forst one there nailing up a support beam. why the hell is that why do i do that? what kind of person am i.. am i whats good to know or am i only good to know to takle advantage of because i listen to everyone in a world full of talkers. people talk talk talk talk all day long ad i listen to everyone under the sun and still i dont scream. i know so many secrets about each and every one of my friends that i will never pass on because i beleive in honour sadly...

born in the wrong millenium.

im going to head now as i still feel full of the same disgust for myself ive felt for the last week. time marches on and october the 2nd moves closer.

im screaming, crying and i cant make a sound but all my soulspeak seems to let me utter in these times of dark eyes and pain is one simple statement ive said so many times before.

i miss you so fucking much hazel.

..i feel sick

bernard_rag @ 2006-09-23T23:34:00

2006-09-23T22:43:38Z

how to start...

the meeting at the uni on friday completely wore me down and mate me feel like crap. apparently the 2 departments crucial to my degree dont talk to each other due to mild hatred so fuck that in the ear...

"you MUST attend a careers talk on the 8th of november between 3 and 4 o clock. failure to do so may result in you not getting a job after your degree"

"if you are doing a labratory report you must attend a meeting betwen1 and 5 o clock on the 8th of november. failure to do so will result in your final project being incorrect and your degree being crippled."

can you feel that tight knot of panic in your gut again... i feel really really ill..

i feel alone again as although last night i was surrounded byu people i cared for, i got hugs, kisses and lots ad lots of cider... and i felt better... i feel alone, dull and bored now.

someone please just kill me.

miracles, pain and plastic tree lights

2006-09-22T00:11:03Z

im in a lot of pain right now so i'll update properly later...

in the last 24 hours sincew writing my last blog yaz has reaslised she actually things wazzie is ok and actually quite nice to know and the reason she didnt like her before was that wazzie is quiet and yaz fill idle moments with chatrter around quiet people...

i also realised how little i talk around yaz from that statement...

i also feel a hell of a lot of pain from bollocking my knee in the pit tonight. seems i walk the faint l;ike of hell since i have a feeling gill will try and get me to climb seven flights of stairs tomorow bad knee or not...gahh

and as i sit back and gaze over my thoughts today it all boils down to one thing..

i think ive lost the plot... i feel ill, broken and sore. i feel sick but i dunno if its actual ill, the result of my ribs being mashed as they are or the general disgusted feeling i have with myself right now... i feel like a broken doll in a world of perfection. maybe i just need time to think things through.. time im running out of..

...i feel sick..

bernard_rag @ 2006-09-21T00:07:00

2006-09-20T23:22:22Z

how do i feel the day after.. i feel like death.

crushed spirit and soul. the feeling of pain shooting through my bones as i sit and watch the world walk me past...

i dont know where to start tonight but i need to just pour out my soul...

all i do on a daily basis now is drink. and i drink to stop the pain, to stop my mind from thinking., to stop myself from being me... i miss the times longsincepast where i had someone that was indeed a partial soulmate. someone who understood what was going on with me and i wouldnt have to sit and talk to the same conservative heads that beleive that i should like this or hate that just because they do. im sick of those close to me and their close minded views of life.

oh i hate her because i do and blah blah blah blah. i cant stand her and i dont want her around me.

oh i hate him because of blah blah blah and i think you should hate them because of ya ya ya

i know i have my hatreds, my passions and my loves and i know i hate someone enough that i wont want them around but i dont sit and go "grr i hate him. because when i first met him i got a bad first impression." or "oh i hate her because she fucked my friend up".

i give everyone in life a shot at showing me what they are like and thos ei hate i hate because i know where there stripes lie and where there spots cover. someone who is born into one thought pattern often doesnt see the flip side of the coin, the bottom of the whiskey bottle, the taste of 3 day old cigarette smoke... yet people think they should know better when they havent experinaced anything other... people expect some others to understand when theyve never been through it....

people expect so much these days...

someone please take me away from this world. i really cant cope much longer. i spin my angles round 360* with everyone. i watch every side of the coin no matter how they try to sell it to me.. and yet they cant do the same...

i understand when people take action in one way or the other even if its not in character or what the rest would consider the right path. everyone is entitled to an opinmion and a feeling but im just sick of all this close minded bull shit.

this shot of mind rot is for you my friends. may it dull me until i become just like all of you:
an opinionated asshole who doesnt accept people for their unique qualities but instead judges them on a set of rules noone has ever seen or discovered but you all subconciously live by.

may i taste this nectar aslong as i live.

Rest In Sweet Peace my long lost Angel. your soul watches me through my goddess' eyes. please take me away from this so i can join you in oblivion..

..i feel sick...

hatred

2006-09-20T02:02:08Z

i need to get this out. i apologise to anyone it directly effects in advance who reads this but i need to get all of this out of my system...

what are friends? an old quote is that friends are "the family we choose for ourselves". how true and how painful that statement is.

my friends mean alot to me but please fucking tell me when the last time you helped me?

all i do is sort your problems, time after time. i listen to you him, her, it and everyone and i deal with your problems. i take on your persopna and i see everything from each and every angel from pain to pelasure and i tell you my thoughts and prayers for you all...

what do i ask in return but when i fall down you are the ones who put your hands on my shoulder ot grab me and pull me out of the pool of blood, tears and sick that i fall into.

i used to think you guys never left me. you guys would love me even a fraction of how much i love you back.. but then i crashed. 1 year on from the first time hazel, my angel, left me and you guys all stick to you "god how many times do we have to dela with this old shit? get ther fuck over it dude!!" ballocks. have i ever told you that your problems are too constant? have i ever turned round and told you "oh not this old shit again. shut the fuck up and get on with your life? if i have i am eternally sorry,,,

you tell me you love me and then you turn round and tear out my heart by telling me the few people i love mroe than life itself wount stand by me if i fall because of an old problem. whty the hell do you fuck me like that? i love you gusy but you almsot bled my dry. i feel fucking pathetic and completely fucking useless. thanks guys you still mean the world to me and your buying my mask of happiness while i rot with despair inside because i know none of you see past it or want to understand. cheers.

fuck you.

i dont know if i want to be alone or not right now. im sick of the single life and im sick of how i feel. i feel i fuck anything up i get close to. i try to be my usual caring self but im drinking more than i have in a while and i feel my strength weakening. i try to be there for everyone and i am but im wearing my soul down.

im not going to change. i love being there for alot of you guys, cub especially because he is probably the only one who actually is close to understanding what the fuck is wrong with me... he only knows the tip of the iceberg and i wish i could tell him more but it feels like a blade through my heart. all i want are people to ignore it. not try to pull it out....

some of the things people say bother me however. yaz hates waz because she feels waz is a poser. i also know yaz resents the fact i still talk to waz like her problems matter. her problems will always matter to me because i dont care if they are 100% real or completely fake aslong as she herself can cope with her life. i came into a friendship with her to help her tolerate life. whether i achieve that or not is up to her. i can tell her what all the demonds of my own hell have tasted like as they fucked me over over and over again and beld me into a crying mess but if her problems are ture that im just making it look worse and if they arent im just giving her fuel to lie to me.. then again., yaz trusts on first opinions and i judge on personality. i have always been such and its gained me many companions over the years and i dont intend to distrust someone i care for on a rumour from a spiteful friend,. no matter how much i love said friend.

this brings me to the subject of the first of my male friends i need to rant about...
you know you could have any girl you wanted. if you dont your up your own arse. you know what your capable of i know you have eyes on so many fucking girls its unbeleiveable. i hate you and i love you in the same breathe and id never tell you how much ive wanted to hurt you just to hear you cry out in anquish for all the shit you get thrown your way and still have the guts to say "i dont get what i want". i love you like a brother and ive told you this so many times by please my friend. back off with my sister. stop telling me that you and her have no feeling before kissing her and cuddeling her over and over again infront of me., yeah i can see. and yeah i can feel your closeness. i know im a third wheel and i hate it. please if you two wish to be like that please please please PLEASE do it away from me so i dont have to witness it. i love you both but jesus christ i need my space. i go for a drink with my 2 single friends and all they do is become a couple before telling me you both "dont think of each other in that way" yeah right. thats what you say while kissing and pulling each other. happy fucking times im sure. i bet they hurt so much... god i hate you so much i could kill you sometimes.,,, you have so much luck i dont think i could tho. and i wish i wish i WISH i didnt love you my brother. all you do is make me feel completely inferior...and still i love you for being what you are.

proof lifes a bitch.

as for another male i know.
everything was good and fine until i wanted to leave wasnt it? oh lets get the guys to run it? what guys there are none left. they all hate you and hope you die tomorow being hit by a truck. who you going to turn to? your brother? he means the world to me. something i doubt he ever will to you, but he cant run your cunty little world. you have dug your own grave. whether you lie in everything you burned and raped to get this far is your decision. ive watched you burn bridges between you and so many people in the last year and all you seem to do is burn more of them then wonder why people hate you.

as for your "girlfriend" she is a saint. she puts up with your shite even though youve cheated on her 3 times (which i havent yet told her because i feel that is your bloody duty. not mine and i stupidly still respect the honour syetm where you dont go behind even former friends backs to fuckover a gf there not even entitled to because there such a useless bastard). the fact you dont call her for weeks,. use her for sex and are generally the most uselss boyfriend in the world makes me wonder if you will ever find love again. then again you never did find love. you found sex. sex and love are two different things. and im sure your so proud of yourself that you got a 16yr old who is happy to let you fuck her aslong as you lie to her that you lie and care for her then never talk to her or even give the slightest fuck when something is wrong with her.

there is a place in hell waiting for you.nothing can ever save you from that.

tonight i rebroke my nose in the pit and it made me realise as i felt the blood run down my face that i dont truely feel the pain because i still feel hollow inside. hell i even let johnny punch me full force in the middle of the ribs and as i felt the breathing problems and the pain and the feeling like my soul is screaming at me that i need medical attemntion i laughed it all off and walked away.. i deal with my pain so differenctly from others. i dont get why i do it or why i tolerate it..

it also got me thinking... what do i want in life? what do i really fucking want in life. and do you know what i came up with? all i want in life is a girl i can put my arms around and squeeze without her turning and looking at me with that "what are you doing? were just friends!!!" look. a girl i can kiss and get a smile rather than a "were just friends... no more" look... the most demoralising look known to man.. all i want is someone ot love, pour my affection on, care for, love... and all i ever get are girls who claim to love me but apparently know me too well as this means they coudlnt think of me as anything more than a friend. one day i will understand that i hope...

right now i feel sick with disgust at myself. i know alot of the things about me are dead. and are not coming back any time soon. might make small plastic gravestones for the likes of my self beleif and sex drive. both have been dead now for over a week. right now i feel worn down. and unable to get my paws back up onto the ladder

i start uni in just under a week.

watch me fuck up my dream

puppy

...i feel sick...

Disgust hatred and all that jazz...

2006-08-26T02:06:10Z

everything was simple back then wasnt it?

everything was great back before the twisted pain, the alcholism, the hatred, malice, torment... hells teeth have once again shwon themselves to my dreams. she has returned to haunt my vision once more...

all hope of closure has now gone. my angel leaves for manchester to do her life its wishes and live her dreams. asmuch as i am glad for she earned it i wish io could get closure and end all the pain i feel when i try to sleep. this feeling of worthlessness this feeling of hatred, anger.. disturbed dreams where i wake up feeling her presence. open my eyes to nothing and once again feel that same old nostalgic nausea that haunts me like a stalking butler with his serated blade ready to anger my insdies and pour violent sick all over the floor next to my bed..

bed? what fucking bed.. what use is bed for someone who barely sleeps more than 2 hours a night. i may aswell just pass out on this chair.. at least then if i was sick in the morning i could just lean forward and not feel like everything is moving along rather than up...

i need her out my system...

my manic dep. is back with a vengeance. it bites me at every turn, skyrocketing me into happyness then crashing me down into the very depths of despair. i go from bouncying around to being reduced to tears and screaming at walls as my bloodiest fists pound uselessly into the dust.

i need a holiday from this corpse.. this pain this fucking useless suffering..

i feel myself as useless i have no draw value in life, what have i got? long hair and the ability to beat myself up until im a bleeding mess and still spit blood out and get back up.. i have nothing that ever fucking would make me seem more than the pathetic fuckup i really am.. burn my corpse and let the crows feats i can be no more use.

i feel sick...

contemplation

2006-08-05T01:11:09Z

second entry in several days and yet i still dont feel any different. my mind aches to be woth her again sadly yet i still know this will never be. i feel myself buckeling asd i try to focus on these exams but things just arent what they could be and i find myself staring blindly into death itself..

i wish i understood more about my current life. my friend seems to be the bottle once more. my anger resentment hatred and such seem to slowly vanish when i drink myself into the ground.. memories flicker in my mind and yet i still wonder why i let myself remember..

recently the one who stalks me who thinks "oh id want to date you" has decided to bring up my ex from 3 years ago.. how can you expect someone to still have feelings for you when you tell them what your exs told her friends the reason you split was.. she also got annoyed when i told her that wasnt the reason me and that gf split but oh no thats the reason she was told and she tried to hound me for my side of the story.. i have made my peace with that gf.. its all in the past why cant it all just stay in the pst wherre it belongs. checking out someones last gf or friends is alright but diggin the past from over 3 years ago is evil and sadistic i cant deal with her anymore and i dont want her in my life any more. she has drawn one last time from me. for the better sake of my soul i cannot have anything mor eto deal with her.

i know i sound stuck up and such but my past is my past. i have dealt with my demons i have made peace with my past and i cant just allow it to come back and haunt me again because someone sees a one sided explanation as capital

may my goddess forgive me for everything i have done to rid myself of the demons that once hungered for my blood. i have asked so many times for forgiveness and tolerance with those i hate and for the mostpart i am granted such.. yet.. there is one who still angers me and i cannot keep my dragons behind the doors of my malice. i hate his every move. his presence, his being.. i cant stand his cockyness.. how he thinks the world revolves around him.. everything he touches turnbs to dust and everytime it goes wrong he is the first to blame others. i cannot cope with his deciet and thus i ask openly for someone to just kill the bastard.

i never thought id hate anyone as much as i beat the hell out of myself but recently i cannot fathom a reason not to hate him. apologies that i cannot leave a name but if i did he would be killed. he plays with the emoitios of a girl that knows no better that he is dating. he treats her like scum. he fucks her, ignores her and doesnt care for her.. all he wasnts to do is use her for sex.. i know i should let him have his own life but the anger i feel over this pathetic user places me in an unusual role..

i have lingered here too long.

more soon

solitude

2006-07-29T00:57:41Z

i miss her so fucking much.. i know i have lied and said i dont but i do i miss her touch, her embrace her presence around me when things turn to nightmares. i miss her kisses her scent... just her in general i cant live without her.. i know its so fucking ironic but i miss her so fuckiing much.. i just want to be fucking loved and cared for how fucking hard is that.. yeah its fucking hard because im a bastard. im worth shit im worth fuckall i cant beleive i even let myself move on without her.. she was my fucking world and i let myself move on i cant beleive i ,let it happen. i love her and i know she doesnt love me anymore. i hate this fucking place i hate this fucking life i cant beleive i let her go.. i really miss her now,,, then again i know what i could have achieved with her at my side. my source of strengh my angel my demonslayer but no it was not to be because im a bastard alcholoic i need drink to deal with my pains i need drink to deal with my soul i need drink to deal with what a cunt i am and i let it get in the way of what i really am i let her think i needed it to get though the day i let her think i was an alchi and its burned me so badly thart i cant cope with my existance. i miss being loved i miss being cared about. i miss her kisses, the hugs , the phonecalls, the feeling that no mater how shit the world got that someone cared now i dont have that now im submrged in the shit i have left. my friends dont give a fuck and im left in the ashes of the chapel i have burned down myself.

i have asked my goddess for forgiveness and reason but i feel the answers i have felt are all that i am a cunt and couldnt cope with her. i hate how i am and i hate how much i care for people i want to be, those i love have no idea how much i want to be that dick that turns round and tells people to go fuck themselves when things hit the fan.. the one thnat tells people they dont deserve my help or warrent it but no i cant. i will alwatys love my friends whatever they ask of me i will always provide. no matter how it kills me i just dont know if i can cope with this snymore,..everything feels on its head and i cant make sense of anything.. people are changing and i want to change with them but i cant my alcholic side stays with me and i cant be anything.. im fucked and i hate this world i so fucking sick of who i am.. i cant fucking take what i am.. i just want to be recognised just fuckin once but its never that cunting simple is it.. if it was id be asleep in the emerald glade right now never to awaken....only my goeddess has need fo me.. noone slse...

im going t have to leave thos there as i feel like my hesrt is crying.. ive never felt this low... i feel like ive given everything i love u0p and my heart is just crying and it hurts.. it feels like a thousnad blades in my chest have justndecided toi dig into my skin and cause a feeling of sufferance..

someone please end my torment,

.. crash...

2006-05-07T00:34:00Z

everything starts off on a high.. it skyrockets like a dream, it looks so good soo priomising but then it starts to flicker as the power and drive die with time and the words of those around. as it falls to earth it becomes harder and harder to restart the engines.... and as i stand here i feel everything crashing around me in a fantastic balls of flame... my soul feels like the edges are burning me back into a bottleneck of thought and its begining to take its toll on my life. i need to vent but its so fuckion hard to get the words out right now,. everything just feels fucked. i cant cope with the fucking people that seem to fucking surround me day to day all sure of themselves and confident and asking why im not like them. why am i not confident? why? maybe i just cant be sure of myself until i know im rright but the only way to know is to be proven such so i guess im just talking complete shit..

everything just feels so dead inside.. i try to respark it.. i know people care about me..well i dont know.. i hope they do. its all i can wish for in this world. as nothing is a guarentee. i just want people to get inside my head and tell me "ok this is WHY your feeling fucked" but thats not possible and everyone that claims to understand me laughs it off when i feel fucked. i just need someone to understand what the hell im thinking abbout right now. what my worries are, why i worry, what point i have left in life?

i havent drank in a few nights now. i enjoy myself when i drink, i can relax and be the big carefree bastard that i want to be but how many people want to know someone who lives for his next drink and company? unfortunatly it is not many. everyone walks away in the end. all we can do is look and laugh at what life deals us and hope that in the few changes we get the chance to make that something better is passed our way.

i know i seem to be contradicting myself but i cant help it. i just feel everything is confusing and i dont understand whther im happy or sad, miserable or over the moon. i just feel so fucking hollow inside that it doesnt veen hurt anymore.. it just feels like there is a gaping festering wound through my chest that my soul is leaking from and spilling out onto the floor infront of me. i feel everything i ever loved and care about pool on the floor with my soul infront of me. i see the reflection of a casket and a corspe. i see the same pale dead skin that i see every single day in the mirror. i sometime wonder if i shreded every inch of my body with a razor if anyone would still recognise me or if i could start again. then again they say beauty is everything so it be just as alone as i am now... then again i doubt it could make me look any worse.

this time last year i was singing praises about the one i love. i guess i still miss her.. nothing feels like closure... she still wont answer her phone or return any texts i send... i guess i should just try and find someone knew but noone looks beyond the flesh and blood and into the soul anymore. im not the same inside as how i look but i feel the judgemental eyes on me everywhere i go. and i feel this is why i cant be myself. im not what people expect and i cant be what they expect.

i think im just fucked. i keep being sick today. hours of constant revision followed by sick sick and more sick. i try to break and all i do is puke my guts up. the same scent of death in my sick. it feels like im riding myself of demons everyime im sick but the haunted feeling never goes away.

i guess thats all i can say.

i still miss you hazel. may the goddess take care of you like she once did... your dreams are more possible than mine. i doubt you will remember me as i remember you...

i guess true love never dies.. i wish she loved me back.

..i feel sick....

Frozen...

2006-05-05T01:18:23Z

is my heart cold or ois it frozen? i wonder this as i look at everyone i love right now. thtere are several that i honestlyly love and think the world of. those who fall to that bracket know who they are. ypur presence means everything to me. and i thank you again for your support.

but who am i? what am i? whwen is too much falling ever the benchmark of being too much?

i realised lately that i have no recollection of how physical love feels... it has beem so long that the feeling has burned out in my head.

i feel so fucking pathetic now.

maybe i am just damend.. maybe i just need a life that i dont already have.

time shall tell...

.. diamond..tinted..dreams..

2006-04-19T23:21:03Z

everything comes back in the end doesnt it.

noone understands anything i say or do anymore. i find myself surround mby useless bastards and fuckups and im supposed to be all smiles and joy.

uni has restsrted. 2 days in and already im killing myself. i cant cope with it all. i want to cope i feel i COULD cope but my soul feels like lead and nothing sparks me. i feel its all in vain.

i dont feel the pain tho.. i feel dead inside, like nothing should matter even if i did...

hollow.. i havent slept in 3 days now. my eyes burn with pain and tears well from my poisoned vision.

i just feel noone cares or listens anymore.. everyone is "oh hi there i need to talk do you mind?" and then i sit and liosten to them for 3 hours telling me about this boy and that boy and this girl and that girl and how this means that and what shoudl they do... and then after it they hug me and their breath smells like life to me dead soul and for 30 seconds i wish i was someone else.. someone who could come to a poor bastard like me and just scream my problems out.... then wander on my merry way and meet up with my real friends and talk about what a useless depressing bastard he is.

i just want out of this life.. i want to be a ghost again... more poison down my throat to try and ease the pain. the pain intensifies from the poison so i drink mroe. and the whole circle digs deeper and deeper until it cuts my won throat...

im so sick of my solitude yet i love it so much..

everything is pointless saying to anyone, they'll either get down my throat about it or they'll leave me alone "for a while" and i'll feel like i dont belong... i fucking hate people....

...i feel sick...

realisation

2006-04-05T23:48:18Z

i know its been over 6 months now since she left me but i honeslty miss her owrse than ever, maybe this is just my soul pouring out the last of its tears but i miss her so badly right now. nothing has worked since we split. its all gone to hell.. my dreams are dying and bleeding to death. my insides are twisted and torn up. i feel in pieces. my confidence is shot to fuck.

her image burns like a thousnad needles in my chest right now. my soul feels heavier than lead. i have become heartsick once more.. i can feel the same nostalgic nausea creeping back through my veins and wrapping around my eyes and heart. feeling the weight pulling them down into that same old pain that follows evey memory ive ever had.
my hands tremble as i write this. i just cant cope with all this shit any more...

i feel sick..

Screaming

2006-04-05T23:20:25Z

why the fuck do i trust myself around the scum that call itself my friends. noone cunting understands. im fucking open about my manic depression and all i get are jopkes and unthought commenbts when i fuckin need to fucking know who the fuck is fucking there...

why the fuck do i bother trying to fucking hope that one fucking time someone will fucking care or know what the fuck to do about fucking me and my cunting life. why but fucking why does this fucking burn so fucking badly... i fucking hate this i fucking hate this...

Failure, contempt and violence.

2006-03-20T00:27:28Z

2 months since i last poured my soul onto this... where should i begin...

Exams are nowa distant memory. passed two of them and failed a third, thought id have done better but then again thought id have fucked them all up completely. uni feels so numb to me right now it hurts to get up in the morning. i miss those i love as ti dont see them on a day to day basis anymore due to different courses and droputs, it all seems so surreal now when i look back over what has changed since christmas. im now stuck with the 3 people i thought i could get along with that werent family. they seem to have all become the mental age of small children and have started playing games like "lets all say cock and laugh about it" and giggleing like adolescents. maybe ive just grown up alot since haz left me. maybe i just dont get the jokes like i should. maybe i should let them make sex jokes all the time and just accept that they find it funny. god i sound so fucking old.. everyone around me also seems to be failing in some way or at least thinkiung they are. half the peo[ple in my course have failed stuff and the other half have been told theres no jobs avilible for us at the end of our degree. and any hope of placement in the sumemr in order to get the much needed work experiance to undertake any hope of getting a full time lab job following the degree has been shot dead by the cunt that is dino. guess thats just another kick in the teeth but im still here so thats something...

tempers are flaring, rumours are spreading, blair is cheating on everyone and its all fucking up around me because they all have a "i'll tell you, dont tell anyone else" but they do, they tell every single one of the rest of the group and then wonder who passed it along. what a fucking shame..

im still single, as much as it burns my soul at night and i find myself hollow beyond thought i cant bring the confidence in myself up enough right now to find someone. then again what free time do i have? ive been worked my ass off in uni since february in labs, essays assignemts, the goddam works... i have barely a breath to myself if you can exclude my un i side projects (RGS. i'll come to it later). speaking of haz i have managed to get her out of my system long enough for her to stop haunting my dreams. i used to see her in every one of my dreams, talking to me, i felt her presence next to me, but when i opned my eyes she wasnt there and all that seemed to happene was that same old gut wrecnching feeling in my stomach and id puke my guts up. in a way im gald i no longer dream of her but i feel the state of almost constant insomnia that has replaced those dreams has been for the worse. sure now i dont wake up in the morning and puke m y guts up but now i dont sleep i can barely concentrate in uni and my work is beginning to suffer because of it.

RGS is beginning to rise from the shadpows again, since i have no managed to finally take over from blair and get us recognised as something that is worth supporting. but its taken 3 dam months and weve suffered because of that. and with the possibility that the bar we host our meetings in will be closed next year. things look exceptionally bleak for us. i wish i could don something to make it wpork and to make everything turn out for it but it all seems like its becoming a worthless cuase, only me and the few bare others i confide in seem to have the same love as i for it.

my beleifs have been put into sharp questioning as of late, the godess has been looking out for me i know this, i can feel it from day to day as im slowly getting stronger but there are times when i feel hollow and as if my insides are bleeding. i think im still heartsick over haz even though i want to beleive im over her.. she just keeps coming back into convosation with people and...well... it still stings worse than anything...

was out and drunk on st pats day, at least that side of me sitill enjoys the world i felt there was something missing all night tho and i still dont know what it was. i felt like my soul was crying but it was beneath shadows and i was ignoring it. i feel now as if my heart has been crushed once more and i dont know why. it burns like an inferno and tastes like a thousand dead.

i feel everything is beginning to crash around me again. those i love are finding new purpose and i dont want to make them suffer me anymore. it tears me into peices but i cant rely on those i love to always be there when i need them, they all seem so happy right now that it burns that im not. maybe its selfishness, maybe its jealousy, i dont know anymore. i just want to stop it all and walk back into the shadows before everything catches fire again.

maybe this will all make sense to someone.

i feel sick...

hatred, malice and discontent

2006-01-18T05:21:34Z

where to begin...

Uni exams are a cunt, i already hope ive passed the two ive sat but they burned like hell iside and i feel like im goin got puke my guts out everytime i even look at my workload left to try and learn.

ive had no alcohol in my system for 4 days now and its beginning to take its toll. my back pain is back and worse than even i feel like screaming everytime i sit down or lie down. nothing numbs it, painkillers only make it hurt more.

i just need a few days to relax and that aint gonna happen til after friday (last exam). what sleep i get is haunted by visions of my ex again. she kisses me and tells me she misses me and i cry in my dreams and person. i still miss her so badly. nothing ever eases the pain. everyone keeps asking about her lately... i wish i could stop this pain but i cant tear up myself until i can have days where i am sure i can heal

there are no such days for a while yet...

i miss those i love. it has been an age it feels since i last heard a word of favour from them.

dark have been my dreams.

Farewell.

Hysteria

2006-01-05T01:56:12Z

how can i describe how i feel... after battering several colours of blood out of myself to try and wake myself up it all seems to make sense.

blood runs down my fingers and im laughing like a maniac.

medication and death haunt me yet now i no longer care.

the world bleeds my blood and im laughing.

hells fire burns in my eyes. im shaking off my shadows.

let it all begin once more...

Red Tears and shimmering images

2005-12-12T02:50:19Z

I dont know if i can describe how i feel... or if i want to... i find myself crying and wanting to tear every last peice of my soul into tiny pieces and just crumble into dust..

i guess there is only one way to find out. id better start at the beginning.

my whole body aches from pain. my ribs, my back my neck they all scream with agony at every single movement i make i can barely sleep with the pain. ive even gone so far as to start taking painkillers but they barely even numb the pain, let alone rid me of iot for a long enough period to bring about sleep. the pain is strong enough that even after sleeping pills i could sleep. my whole body screamed as i lay on my bed. if i do sleep i wake up in more pain. painkillers in the morning painkillers at night. alcohol in between to numb my pain.what the fuck is wrong with me?

right now im miserable. i still miss her so much. she was everything to me and i thought i was over her until someone mentioned her name to me and asked how she was. it all came crashing down around me once more and i realise that in all honsty i miss her so badly it hurts. its been over a month since i last saw her so i guess that weve lost contact and shes moved on. in my heart i still want to be a part of her life for she was a part of mine but i know that if she is getting on better without me that it is not my place to try and get involved again. all i can do is wish her all the best, i hope all her dreams come true and she goes on to manchester uni and does everything shes dreamed about all these years. Farewell angel. you still own my heart hazel.

the demon in my fingers makes my bones shudder as the amber liquid pours down my throat. ive been drinking more than usual latelt to try and clear my mind of the misery that seems to follow me since my angel left me. i feel myself being drawn towards the razor kisses once more. im surprised iove lasted this long without even one slash but i guess i know in my heart how deep and far id go if i let myself loos right now. id collpae and bleed to death before i was mentally finished.

Death seems to be standing next to me and laughing. seven people i know have died in the last month. seven souls are on the raft over the river of death to the afterlife. may their spirits rest forever in paradise. although only three of them were either family or so close to me they were like family it kicks in the teeth and no volume of tears can stop this pain. my aunt has been diagnosed with cancer this week. it seems everyone i love and care about is beginning to suffer and die slowly. misery seems to follow me. wheree'er i may go. ive missed the first of the three major funerals due to uni commitments and i unfortunatly will miss the other 2 due to uni commitments. the angels of my time will have to hear my prayers for the wellbeing of their spirits from here. my the goddess have mercy on them and rest their bones eternal.

Retrogaming, my current only love and lifesblood has had to be put on hold for the moment due to lack of time and my current lack of motivation to do anything. apologies to anyone else who cares but i doubt there will be many of you.

my final thought today is on a more delicate matter.

someone close to me has decided to try his hand at dating a girl many years his younger. although i commend him that the girl is nice looking i dont fully agree with his going with her. i know he wont be fucking her or suchlike and his motives are innocent i just feel she is honestly just a little too young for him. they are now "together" but some things even now just dont seem to click into place.

all i have done so far is just talk to him but he is obsessed with her, its "i love her i cant stop thinking about her i love her i love her". as often as i love to see someone happy i feel this is more likely to hurt him than make him happy but aslong as things are still innocent i dont want to say anything. he already whines to me hes scared he'll lose her to her ex (who is the same age as him i think) so ive had to spend hours telling him hes better than her ex.

i feel like hitting him the number of times he whines on about how much he loves her or how much he wants to be with her or how hes worried he'll lose her. if hes going to go out with her just fucking accept that he IS going out with her and stop fucking about with this "oh i love her" shit to me, shes your fucking girl now so shut up and accept it.

for a week he tried to get me to talk to this girl and now i can say me and her talk quite regularily. we connect very easily. she finds it easy to talk to me and i find it equally easy to talk to her. we both understand each other, i understand what shes going through with exs, i havent been able to connect like this in such a long time. he keeps trying to get me to find things out for him. i wish hed just accept she likes him but gets sick of being told he loves her every thrity seconds. aparently he cant get through a day without telling her he loves her. which is usually a "cute" thing but then again they have only been together 4 days. i know she likes him but i also know she isnt in love with him. she hopes that she will fall in love with him in time (quite commendable in my eyes) whereas he bombards her with "i love you!! I LOVE YOU!!! I CANT DO WITHOUT YOU!!" its repetative and i think its beginning to ruin his chances of staying with her as its not something she feels is "cute" anymore.

i only have one major worry with this girl.

there have been certain things said that make me wonder if she is just being really friendly with me

or if she ... well... to be blunt "has a thing" for me.

shes asked me if i was ever out with anyone her age and if i would ever consider it. i think it was all in innocence and wonder but she is too young for me to even consider it. 4 years my junior is not someone i could go with. all things considered i will say she is cute but i would never consider her more than a friend. maybe its just really that she likes me as a friend and im just imagining everything that i think im seeing...

maybe my recent batch of heartsickness has caused me to think things are happening when there really not. i feel i badly need someone to care for me right now. in know thats selfish but im falling into disrepair so badly that i dont know if i can even last the one week of uni left.

i just want this year to hurry up and end.

i feel sick..